HOWLERS ON THE RADIO

I will be making every effort to catch this BBC radio programme on Monday, March 7 http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/news/gobbledygook-on-the-bbc.html

It’s the day the Plain English Campaign – http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/ – holds its annual awards so I’m keenly anticipating gobbledygook howlers with the guilty named and shamed and suitably humiliated.

I am looking forward to hearing of one example from the NHS that took 229 words to define a hospital bed. Made or unmade, I don’t know.

I’ve blogged before on my love of plain English and I reckon I visit the Plain English Campaign’s excellent website regularly. I’ve often thought it would be great to work for them.

It can be amusing to berate those who drivel for a living and it is certainly infuriating to come up against buzzwords in business and elsewhere that mean absolutely nothing.

But news reports this week from the coroner’s inquest into the July 7 bomb attacks in London said that baffling jargon could costs lives as it caused confusion among emergency service personnel.

Do you have any idea what “a conference demountable unit from the management resource unit” is? Me neither.

It is a mobile control room – so why not say that?

This bureaucratic bluster prompted one MP to suggest that jargon is “often used by people who have been trained, rather than taught to think.”

Now that’s worrying, isn’t it?

For 30 years, the Campaign has proved to be one of the most powerful grass-roots movements in the UK. Its website is a delight and I suggest you try the grammar quiz – I got three wrong so my Dad would have been horrified.

It also has interesting comments including one from former Prime Minister Thatcher, who said: “Some people think that flowery language and complicated writing is a sign of intellectual strength. They are wrong.”

This is the only time I have ever agreed with her.

BOIL THE OCEAN - TICK ANY BOXES?

I have been amused, bemused and hugely entertained by a LinkedIn http://www.linkedin.com/ discussion that has focused on “buzzwords” or, more precisely, the “buzzwords” that should be erased, wiped out, eradicated, binned, dumped, banned, buried – for ever.

Like the word “buzzword” itself, as one contributor suggested prompting no argument from me. When a BBC2 Newsnight presenter used the expression “bigging up” one night last week, I knew that my time in the doldrums as far as blogging was concerned needed to end.

Apologies for being pedantic, but the “buzzwords” topic should really have been about ridding the world – pronto – of annoying and meaningless phrases or terms that people in business, mainly, have latched on to and use, remorselessly, thinking they sound authoritative, smart or contemporary.

Or, maybe, like bonus-winning bankers, they think they are hoodwinking us with their snake-oil jargon, the nest of vipers that they are.

That aside the LinkedIn conversation, started by Jim Bianchi, who heads his own PR company in the Detroit area, has been enlightening and informative. http://jbianchi777.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/20-business-buzzwords-you-want-to-kill/

Loads of us want this gobbledygook to end, the gibberish that clouds reality – words stuck together that mean little or nothing.

Even in the world of hiring new staff, the latest buzzwords and phrases are causing confusion leading to demands for plain talking from applicants.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/classified/jobs/chi-linkedin-job-cliches-010311,0,82925.story

While, many of the examples responding to Jim Bianchi’s question were US- centric, we will recognise many and, worse, will be reminded of people who use them as naturally as they stare at their iPhone/Blackberry when you’re in their company.

One of the first to bob up was a belter - boil the ocean. Brilliant. What does it mean? I had no idea until some helpful US contributor suggested: "….if a member of the corporate pantheon suggests you are trying to ‘boil the ocean,’ he or she thinks you are doing something incredibly inefficiently.” Is that the same as “you’re making a mess of it?”

My tuppence worth included “raft of ideas” and the really annoying "ticking all the rihgt boxes" but this guy, Tim Trout - http://uk.linkedin.com/pub/tim-trout/18/21b/a46had - had me in fits with this example he had come across.

“We are a full-spectrum consumer-focused solutions provider. Our teams are experienced in transitioning processes and systems to supply the platform your organisation and customers need. Our iterative product-development methodologies expedite the evolution of next-generation functionality. We can enhance your existing business and portal strategies or collaborate across disciplines to create new and exciting iterative change.” As Tim put it, “…a cool twenty or more for the price of one.” Utterly gruesome and shocking that some people are dim enough to fall or be impressed by such verbiage – or mince, to be more precise.

Action plan; 
at the end of the day; bells and whistles; best practice; blamestorming; 
blue sky thinking; goal-oriented; fit for purpose; moving the goal posts; 
multi-tasking; on the same page; open door policy; parachute in; tasked; touch base; transparency and value-added. A catalogue of the meaningless spouted by the vacuous, I suggest.

Not forgetting, of course, “thought showers” instead of “brainstorming.” To think someone, somewhere had enough time to sit and create this dross.

Any other examples? I’d love to hear about them. Or versionise, as I heard someone utter during a Radio Scotland interview recently.

Non-circumlocutory, oral communication...what?

“….non-circumlocutory, oral communication dispensed by an orator who has no predilection for verbiage and is far from prolix or magniloquent in manner…”

These weighty words – I had to look up three of them in the dictionary – feature in a very clever advert by legal firm Macroberts – http:// www.macroberts.com

The company follows them with the comment “Straight–talking” and emphasises in the ad that they offer straight-to-the-point business law.

I’m all for plain speaking so the ad appeals to me. I came across it as I ploughed through an insurance policy following another water leak episode in my bathroom where floorboards had to be ripped up to trace the source of the problem. The policy is, you’ll not be surprised to learn, classically confusing. It sucks the will to read on, each sentence a barrier, each paragraph formed to sap all energy.

Even in day-to-day business, people speak or write in needlessly, long- winded ways that really grate. The Plain English Campaign http:// www.plainenglish.co.uk/ and fine bloggers such as Marian Dougan at http:// wordstogoodeffect.wordpress.com/ write in interesting ways - and most eloquently - about words and language, subjects that intrigue me.

I liked this list from the folks at the Plain English Campaign. They say the words in brackets are just as – or even more – effective and I homologate. Sorry, that means I agree.

additional (extra)

advise (tell) 

commence (start)

forward (send)

in excess of (more than) 

in respect of (for) 

in the event of (if) 

on request (if you ask) 

particulars (details)

per annum (a year) 

persons (people) 

prior to (before)

purchase (buy) 

regarding (about) 

terminate (end)

whilst (while)

I’m keen to learn any examples people my have of gobbledygook or drivel, as some might suggest.

PERFECT PITCH - PLAIN SPEAKING

“I don’t know how to write, but I can tell you fluently what I do, what my product does.

“My spelling is atrocious. My grammar equally poor, but I am a confident and competent speaker who can communicate most effectively. Writing for me is a chore, although I have a sound technological brain.

“I have an eye for a solid business idea, one that’s interested some large companies already. I haven’t got a clue how to engage effectively with consumers, business or the public at large.

“I really need someone who can make my product, my idea visible to business, consumers and the media at large, both specialist and general outlets.

“I have no idea how costly, problematic, feasible this might be – so do you think you can work with me and help me by doing what you clearly have done, successfully, for a range of clients to date with a PR campaign?

“I think this is an important way forward for my company.”

I have paraphrased this hour-long conversation with a prospective client, obviously. I was so gratified by his beguiling approach on behalf of his company and his associates. Here was someone, needing PR support and positive media attention while admitting with a smile he knew little or nothing about how to pursue it. A company in his network circle had recommended that he chat with me. I was delighted to do so.

This isn’t a blog about me and my company and what it does, or is capable of doing. Nor a criticism of previous pitches I’ve attended. It is about the refreshing attitude of this company MD for whom a proposal is ready. It may come to nothing.

However, the big point, for me, is that this man was candid, said his expertise lay elsewhere and he wanted to buy in a specific form of help. He issued no demands and listened closely to what I had to say, the suggestions I put forward, the involvement he could expect from my company. I answered his questions openly and in detail.

It was a great discussion, which led on to a chat about many different subjects. Nothing has been decided. I have submitted a proposal. It was just a hugely refreshing way to talk about working together – possibly.